faded

I used to dream of you in color. Every touch felt like rain from the sunburnt sky. I wanted you to drench my skin with your sweetness of life. I wanted all of you. Your eyes burnt through me like fire, melting deep into the depths of my buried soul. I longed for you. I imagined a world where we were not so far apart, where life was free of these immense distractions, disappointments and doubts, where you weren't afraid to let go and love me. A life where two wounded souls were able to mend into one whole. You completed my vision. You were the one I'd dreamt of as a little girl. You held the key to my missing link. Every moment spent loving you made me more vulnerable and whole. I felt your presence within me, cleansing my fears, turning them into the dreams I had once envisioned. You held me with such strength, your hands felt like that of a warrior, ready to protect, ready to take hold of me. I wanted you to take me. I wanted you to fight for me, but you were broken. I wanted what I could not receive from you, because I too, was broken. These dreams have faded into darkness, only visions of grey remain. It's been so long since I've seen your face. Why do you hide from me? Why, do you reach for another? Everything you never thought you would find, lays dormant here.

I AM

I AM A MASTERPIECE. A work of art. An original. While I was being created I went thru the stress and strain of being formed, I felt uncomfortable in my own skin as it was being stretched & molded, even while I was still broken, I was being mended back together by the ultimate CREATOR, he saw me and said, "This shall be a masterpiece, I will take my time with her, if she will be pliable, I will form her into an outstanding piece, one that will stand tall, firm and strong, she will be desired by the multitudes and bring joy to all who see her." Today, I am still being shaped for that position, but I now understand, it's only because I AM A MASTERPIECE.

Who can turn the world on with her smile? 
Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile? 
Well it's you girl, and you should know it 
With each glance and every little movement you show it
Love is all around, no need to waste it 
You can have a town, why don't you take it 
You're gonna make it after all 
You're gonna make it after all
How will you make it on your own? 
This world is awfully big, girl this time you're all alone

But it's time you started living
It's time you let someone else do some giving
Love is all around, no need to waste it
You can have a town, why don't you take it
You're gonna make it after all
You're gonna make it after all
- Mary Tyler Moore Show 

Lost in translation

Time has not removed these sentiments.
Only the image in my head has faded.
I see you less and less in dreams, as you bleed into the background.
You've run so long, I can no longer envision you.
I don't stop the tear that softens my heart as I see your face framed, poised, lingering everywhere.
Something connected me to you.
Something that was deeper then the surface of our reality.
I saw you deep into your dwelling place, hiding behind your words.

Your touch like the lyrics of a song that was never written.
How your feet carried you far from me.

I am not Your One but somehow you became mine.
I've prayed, surrendered, fought, let go, cried, laughed, sat, ran, I've tried everything to find the truth of our existence but nothing speaks, all remains silent.
The silence has become all I know of us, all that lingers is the wishing well of thoughts in my head.
A deep endless hole with no bottom and no end in sight.
The dreams I once dreamt, the kisses we once shared and the moments our words were spoken.
All became lost in translation.

I want you still, though my heart has obeyed your wishes.
I will want you until I no longer feel a brush of weakness every time your name is spoken.
The day I can walk by you and time no longer stands still, only then will I be free of you, as you have become free of me.

loneliness

Who knows what this feels like 

the constant emptiness 

the desire to reach out and feel something that isn't there 

how long will i be left to suffer?

each breath a choice

I cried today just like yesterday

the sting of an abandoned heart

the ache of a lonely night 

the force of a breath i'd rather not take

i see them all around me 

happy couples holding hands

the laughter of a child

this loneliness has punctured my heart

i'm bleeding out .. but who will save me?

how do you mask the pain

thats making me feel insane 

i just want to be loved

i just want to be fixed

these walls surround me like a prison i can't escape 

you think i'm strong but i'm far too weak 

you think i have it all together 

but i'm dying at your feet 

one tear at a time this heart becomes a deserted place

I watch the traffic rush by

so many people 

so many lives

surrounded by life 

while dying a slow death of loneliness

no one see's me .. no one really hears me

my own heart has abandoned me 

my own strength has weakened me

i struggle to survive

i feel no life

i dance to make the pain go away 

i dance to forget 

i dance to save what's left of this life 

Jesus, will you save me? 

Quotes by bebe

- Patience ... life is a learning experience, not a rush to the finish line.

- Life is short .. wear stilettos 

- I'm not a QUITER .. I wouldn't even know how to start.

- Freedom is learning to accept yourself just as you are without a need for outside approval.

GOD DID NOT SET YOU UP FOR FAILURE

Contrary to popular belief -- Everything is NOT under God's CONTROL .. everything is under His POWER but not His control. Many things that take shape in this world are NOT GOD'S CHOICE, nor GOD'S WILL. Many of you ask why this or why that has happened if God is so good. But you confuse the fact that God has released dominion and authority to US in this world. He sent the Perfect Teacher to show us how it's done,  (Jesus). He left a book (the bible) to give us word for word detail on how to use the authority & power He blessed us with. He gave us HIS NAME to use over all powers and authorities that exist in the physical realm and spiritual realm. God clearly states in Matt 18:18 "Truly I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall have been bound in heaven; and whatever you loose on earth shall have been loosed in heaven. He has given US the power and authority to make the DIFFERENCE we desire to SEE and EXPERIENCE here on this earth. It's not up to someone else .. it's up to YOU. If you sense a NEED -- then FILL IT. Don't wait around for someone else to do it. God showed you for a reason. He gave you a passion about that situation for a reason. 

We all walk around with free will. We all share the same opportunity to accept Christ or deny Christ. God is the RULER of the universe, He is ALL POWERFUL and IN CHARGE .. but there is a difference between being in charge of something and being in control of it. I do not believe God sends bad things our way to teach us, or humble us. Why would God raise something up to be His WILL that He empowers us to pray against? He has given us authority over sickness, poverty, depression, anxiety, fear. Those things were not sent from God to make you more of something, that's just what we like to tell ourselves so we can feel better about our situation. So we can feel more holy. No, when those things come it's time to rise up and do what Jesus did .... REBUKE THEIR AUTHORITY OVER YOUR LIFE.

God could step in at any time and change all the RULES He created but that would go against the laws He's set in place for the universe, for our salvation, for our freedom, therefor the world as we know it would come to an end. You see God is like any lover ........ He wants your heart because you choose to give it freely. He wants you to acknowledge Him because you WANT to experience HIM. When and if God steps in ... the choice will no longer be yours. We have to take responsibility for the AUTHORITY we've been given on this earth and stop blaming God for things that are not under His control. We must acknowledge when the storms came .. when sickness was presented before Jesus, He rebuked these attacks, He didn't welcome them to linger ... He didn't say, "I think I'll let you go thru this a bit longer to humble you" .. therefor you must agree tragedy is not stemmed from GOD .. and certainly not sent to make you stronger as people like to say. I'm tired of all this churchy jargon ... it only CONFUSES us when we're in the midst of a trial.

What I want you to get from this is ... Authority has to be taken against these attacks so you can be set free. So you can help free others. So you can stop BLAMING GOD and start USING THE AUTHORITY HE HAS GIVEN YOU. And the silver lining in all this is ... that God CAN and WILL use ALL THINGS for our GOOD, no matter how tragic ..... once we take our rightful place as His child and use the authority He has so freely given, there is nothing He can't use for our good. I know this was a long post, but this wisdom will help set you free, i know seeing God in this light has changed my life and understanding. I hope it will do the same for you. xx

never give up

When pushing toward a dream you can expect many losses along the way. Friends who no longer understand you. Family that no longer stands behind you. Memories that are being made without you. It's easy to find reasons to give up on the pursuit of your dream ....... but it will be harder to look yourself in the mirror everyday if you don't push thru these difficult times. No one ever told you it was going to be easy. Why do you think it's called a DREAM? Because for most people, that's all it will ever be. You have the choice to be the exception. Fight through the pain & the loss .. it will all be worth it in the end.

live your dream 4 u

People without a dream will never understand the importance of YOUR DREAM ...... they will never understand that it's nothing short of the air you breathe, the reason for your very existence, the mission you were created to accomplish. To try and make that point clear to someone who has never experienced such passion is like trying to hammer a nail thru a brick wall with your forehead. Totally IMPOSSIBLE and a complete waste of unnecessary pain. Don't waste valuable energy and time with such useless feats. Live your dream for YOU ... because you know better then anyone why you are here on the earth and what your mission is ........... Persistence wins! Never give up. You'll get there with or without your starting team. You will inevitably have to let some people go along the way. Its all part of the sacrifice you make to live an extraordinary life ......... the life that many would never comprehend or have the guts to chase. You get one chance at this thing called life ... don't let anybody rob you of your right to be all that you envision yourself to become. ♥

Dreams

I am blessed beyond words. It's been the longest up hill climb, many times I wondered how I would make it thru. I wondered if I could handle one more obstacle, one more failure, one more heartache. But I continued to pick myself up, sometimes with the help of friends or family, but I never stayed down long enough to give up. I have trekked across the desert and finally found the pool of water I'd been imagining for so many years .... it does exist. It wasn't just a mirage I'd been chasing endlessly ................. My advice to those of you who are at your whits end, get up one more time, and then again, just ONE MORE TIME ... that last time could be the final thrust into a life you could only imagine in dreams. ♥

Balance

The invitation to give up on your dreams will always present itself when we experience pain, heartache, anger and disappointment. We fail to see these obstacles as teachers of wisdom, knowledge & insight, creating great fortitude within the human spirit. We short change our destiny by falling into fear. We assume these things happen to us, instead of happening for us. We dive into darkness with our eyes wide open, it's our way of rebelling from the light that we believe is hurting us. Friends, I have also walked in these shoes .. I have also awaken to the understanding that nothing can knock us off course unless we allow it to. So gather whatever is needed to sturdy yourself, but refuse to fall further then the last time ..... each time you get up, if you choose, you can fall a shorter distance, until falling is no longer a hinderance ... because you've learned how to balance yourself in the midst of your crisis. ♥

love

The truth is .. I haven't found someone that I could see myself marrying, that's why I'm still single .. not because I'm too picky. Once you truly know yourself .. you'll know what you desire in a partner / relationship. Finding the one you'll spend the rest of your life with is not something that should be RUSHED. Be patient, everything comes in it's perfect time. The sooner you work on YOU ... then sooner things will fall into place. Being a serial dater .. will not bring love faster ...... it will just bring more headache. Take the focus off of NEEDING someone ... and put the focus on being the someone you desire to attract .... LIKE ATTRACTS LIKE ..... if you don't like yourself ... how will you attract your partner?

all i know is .. i don't know 

Shine

I've had many failures, heartbreaks, oppositions, trials and struggles but none were powerful enough to convince me that I could not be successful, that I could not live out my dreams. I will fight till the good fight of faith has been completed. I will live every single one of my dreams out loud .. nothing and no one can stop me. If God be for you .. what man can successfully stand against you? I CONTINUE TO SHINE. xx

whole

you spill into me .. drowning my senses .. caressing my desires .. your words too sweet to let go .. i wait for you .. like a lingering distraction .. a constant calling from within .. like a vision to vivid to forget .. you taunt me .. both day & night .. i can't escape your powerful attraction .. i run but still you catch me .. my feet unable to grip the surface .. i'm frozen in the wake of your presence .. unable to speak .. angelic and meek .. i stand before you broken as you pick up each little piece .. how can you love me .. thru all my childish displays .. you polish what's been tarnished .. you carve your masterpiece .. i'm falling for you jesus .. like the lover of my soul .. take my broken pieces .. once again make me ...... whole

good-bye

The air is cool as I sit in stillness
The breeze reminds me of home
A long way from where I lay my head each night
But it wasn't always this way,  I wasn't always so far from you
Life wasn't always in shades of grey
I used to feel each movement of light
I used to watch for you
I forgot how to do that, as the years passed by
Maybe these trials were too much to bare
Maybe i doubted you loved me enough to lighten this load
Maybe i wasn't really looking for the answers i needed
Maybe i wanted what was never mine in the first place
If i never see you again
I'll leave the porch light on as a symbol of my love for you
So you will know if you ever pass by my door,  i'm still thinking of you
I love you enough to let you go
This is my good-bye to you

Some days ...

Empty

Even an animal like yourself can make me feel like a monster.
I hate that I let you in .. desperate to be loved.
I allowed myself to believe you. Though you were clearly as fucked up as I am.
I could probably have still loved you .. but you were unable to come clean.
I'm nothing more then a tragedy that continues to breathe. A death waiting to happen.
Each year, I tell myself something will be different .. but nothing ever changes.
I'm still this lost soul. Betrayed by my own heart. For whom can I trust?
I'm fooled at every corner .. by the lies I have believed.
So go ahead .. take your turn .. take advantage of me.
I'm too empty to even bleed.

Another lost soul

I am a liar.
I tell people not to lose hope.
But I've lost my own.
I tell people to never give up.
But I have no fight left in me.
I tell people God can be trusted.
But I doubt him everyday.
I am a liar, lost in my own confusion.
Tormented.
Bleeding.
Dying.
Alone.
I want to let go of this life.
I want to be free.
Where is this freedom?
Why has it evaded me?
I thought my life had purpose.
I thought my life had value.
I thought someone would take notice by now.
"I thought" .. maybe that was the problem?
What should I live for?
What will change?
I've never truly been at peace, this pain has always been aching.
I'm tired sweet Jesus.
Please take me home.
Good day & Good night are the same now.
As darkness descends upon both.
I'm just another lost soul .. searching for a way home.

Who Is She ?

Who is she? This little girl staring back at me? She's always been 6yrs old. What does she want from me? She reminds me of my innocence. She reminds me of the purity that once did exist. She's beautiful this little girl with her crystal blue eyes of love and forgiveness for those who have stolen pieces of her innocence. I'm sorry I didn't protect you. I'm sorry I didn't say no. I'm sorry I walked through this valley .. wondering all alone. I thought I was much tougher back then, I thought I could mend these pieces alone. But all i did was leave you broken. Why do you still love me? After all I've put you thru? How can you still be so innocent. How can you still be so young? Help me to release this pain. Help me to forgive. Help me to let them go and never think on them again. I will not judge my past, leave me to live in freedom. Dear child, welcome me back with your open arms. With the innocence of when we were six and the world was just a beautiful place. Today, I really saw you .. as I looked in the mirror.

i love you.

My Quest

Where do I belong in this world? How can I still be asking this same question? How many continents must I travel before this yearning will be resolved? I've left my mark all over this planet .. from one cage to another. Always seeking the next adventure hoping this will be the answer. But it never is. Am I the only one who can't find a home for this heart? How have my friends found such peace in this everyday existence .. why have I, not? Something is wrong with me .. though you may never acknowledge it .. i will tell you upfront. I have never felt at home in this world. I have never found rest for my soul. I have never experienced total peace. I have never fit in. I have never belonged here. The only question that consistently remains .. how much longer until I'm authorized to leave? When will you take me so I can finally be free.

Scrambled Vision . . .

So hard to pick myself up off this bathroom floor as the walls close in around me. Suddenly, I feel so distant from these dreams I once dreamt, what happened? Maybe I’ve been in this godforsaken city too long? Maybe I’ve lost my focus for being here? Maybe I’m just tired of the struggle, the never ending traffic, the constant pulling in 40 different directions, the lies, the backstabbing, the men who want to fuck me, the latter everyone feels the need to climb to prove their worthiness. Why did you tell me to move to this cesspool of inauthenticity? Yes, I’ve helped many people. And yes, I’ve grown into a beautiful woman over the years but how much longer do you plan to leave me here? I miss South Africa .. I miss the love, the passion, the authenticity I had for life there. Tell me I will feel that spark again, tell me I will burn with passion like that again, tell me all these tears have not been in vain. Tell me you will use every ounce of this journey for good. Tell me these are the final throws? Or tell me nothing at all .. but don’t leave me here on this bathroom floor.

Why Can't I Remember

You lied. You said it would get easier with time. You said eventually I would forget you. But everyday that passes I miss you more & more. Your face trapped in my own reflection. Your eyes engraved in my brain. How do I move forward when everything reminds me of the past. I still make those salads you loved just to remember the smile on your face. I still listen for the door to open, waiting for your footsteps on the floor. I can’t break free from you. I can’t forget you but I can’t remember your details either. Why did I leave? Why did you let me? Where are we heading in different directions. Will our paths ever cross again? Are you happier with her? Does she run the bath for you? Does she write you beautiful love notes and leave them in your pockets? Why did we part? Why can’t I remember? I miss you. I will probably miss you forever.

a poem for you

he is the sparkle in my eye / the smile on my face / the colors of the rainbow / the replenishment within every raindrop that has fallen from the sky / the elbow to my arm / the blue within the ocean / the fish within the sea / the rage within the river / the calm within the storm / the dream that i once dreamt / the life within my reality / the gift that keeps on giving / and the chance that I keep on taking / the honesty hidden behind every lie / the king to my throne / the proof that god loves me / i will never stop believing / i live to love you / i love to love you / but i still don't know you xx

Thank You

you’ve stained me with your passion .. you’ve left me broken for another to mend .. you’ve taken what i did not have to give .. you played me like your guitar string .. you acted without thought .. you spoke without conviction .. you’ve damaged what cannot be replaced .. you’ve left a hole for the world to see .. you’ve given me many songs that will one day be written and sung to the world .. for that alone .. I, thank you.

i wanna love you ...

i wanna love you in the morning with smiley face pancakes .. i wanna touch your senses with every ounce of who i am .. i wanna bring joy to your day .. and life to your soul .. i wanna feel you deep inside me over and over again .. i wanna love you like you've never been loved before .. i wanna take away your pain .. i wanna create new memories so you can let go of the ones that tie you down and rip you apart. I wanna be your sunlight .. i wanna be your moon. But you have no space for me inside your wounded heart.

ALONE

I don't want to feel. I don't want to breathe. I just want to let go and fall into your eternity. Wherever that may be. But you're gone. Maybe you'll never return to me. Maybe you were never really mine. I allowed myself to let you in. A silly mistake I hear in the depths of my despair. This ache is too cold. I don't want to feel. I don't want to breathe. I'd like to call you and tell you I miss you. But these cracks can't be filled. So here I am .. once again. ALONE.

my reality

I am continuously falling for men I should steer clear of. What's wrong with me? Why must I punish myself this way? I long for something I can not seem to find. My search is over. I'm letting go. I no longer wish to play this game of which I am the only player. I can't stop this vision within. It's so sure I'll find what I seek. But why? I hate that I'm filled with such a strong conviction .. would it not be easier to turn this heart to stone? There is NO PROOF such a love exists. It only dwells deep within my foolish heart. I long for you my love .. in the inner chambers of my heart. But you deny me over and over again. Where could you be? Why won't you rescue me from this yearning? Why must I suffer all alone? Will I bare this life in solace forever? Dear God .. have you forgotten this heart bleeds like any other? Another tear .. another forced smile .. another night to dream it all again. I lie awake .. don't let this be my reality.