Tuesday, January 1, 2008

The Wonder of me ...

What is this dismay? I long for something I can’t seem to tap into. My heart aches incessantly. I yearn relentlessly for joy, for peace, for reason, for hope, for purpose…. What is the reason for which I exist? What is to become of these two hands? What is the rationale for all these trials? What is their intention? Why should I continue through this journey? Though I’m thankful for the right to ask that question, I’m saddened by my need to. What has caused this reckless deterioration of spirit? Where is the fight within? What is the root of my disconnect? Am I climbing or falling? SUCCEEDING OR FAILING? I can no longer relapse and pretend it doesn’t cut me deeply. Doctor, Doctor, what’s your prescription for the wear and tear of ones immobile heart. I’ve become comfortably numb, I’ve lost my sense of urgency toward the restoration of my grievances. The build up of corrosion around my heart proves this to be true. What a price to pay. What a debt to owe. How can I break free? What must I know? Are the keys to the kingdom truly deep within me? How do I unlock the secret door? Can you show me the way? It’s unfathomable to me, that life could indeed be as glorious as I’ve seen it played out countless times, in the private screening room of my heart. It’s as though the trailer to my very own movie is in fact the entire script. I see my life in segments; there are no short-term goals to prepare me for the long-term goals. So I swing carelessly, awaiting my golden chariot, which hasn’t been written into the storyline. I awake to find fear overwhelms me at every corner. I search frantically for my security blanket, but find God has hidden it, that He might get my full attention. What do you have to say? I’m listening, but I’m guarded. Today I silence the beast within to hear the still small voice say, “GO THIS WAY.” Sometimes life requires that you go LEFT to get RIGHT. I challenge myself to search for this freedom. To seek out wholeheartedly, TRUE LIBERTY. Not from the world but from GOD. God’s Liberty. I love in a way that is foreign to my own heart. Which leaves much room to question its validity. I must become informed of my own goodness. I need to see, touch, taste, hear and know my truth. Become aware, content, alive, passionate, FREE. As I love myself, I will love others.

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