Scrambled Vision . . .

So hard to pick myself up off this bathroom floor as the walls close in around me. Suddenly, I feel so distant from these dreams I once dreamt, what happened? Maybe I’ve been in this godforsaken city too long? Maybe I’ve lost my focus for being here? Maybe I’m just tired of the struggle, the never ending traffic, the constant pulling in 40 different directions, the lies, the backstabbing, the men who want to fuck me, the latter everyone feels the need to climb to prove their worthiness. Why did you tell me to move to this cesspool of inauthenticity? Yes, I’ve helped many people. And yes, I’ve grown into a beautiful woman over the years but how much longer do you plan to leave me here? I miss South Africa .. I miss the love, the passion, the authenticity I had for life there. Tell me I will feel that spark again, tell me I will burn with passion like that again, tell me all these tears have not been in vain. Tell me you will use every ounce of this journey for good. Tell me these are the final throws? Or tell me nothing at all .. but don’t leave me here on this bathroom floor.

Why Can't I Remember

You lied. You said it would get easier with time. You said eventually I would forget you. But everyday that passes I miss you more & more. Your face trapped in my own reflection. Your eyes engraved in my brain. How do I move forward when everything reminds me of the past. I still make those salads you loved just to remember the smile on your face. I still listen for the door to open, waiting for your footsteps on the floor. I can’t break free from you. I can’t forget you but I can’t remember your details either. Why did I leave? Why did you let me? Where are we heading in different directions. Will our paths ever cross again? Are you happier with her? Does she run the bath for you? Does she write you beautiful love notes and leave them in your pockets? Why did we part? Why can’t I remember? I miss you. I will probably miss you forever.

a poem for you

he is the sparkle in my eye / the smile on my face / the colors of the rainbow / the replenishment within every raindrop that has fallen from the sky / the elbow to my arm / the blue within the ocean / the fish within the sea / the rage within the river / the calm within the storm / the dream that i once dreamt / the life within my reality / the gift that keeps on giving / and the chance that I keep on taking / the honesty hidden behind every lie / the king to my throne / the proof that god loves me / i will never stop believing / i live to love you / i love to love you / but i still don't know you xx

Thank You

you’ve stained me with your passion .. you’ve left me broken for another to mend .. you’ve taken what i did not have to give .. you played me like your guitar string .. you acted without thought .. you spoke without conviction .. you’ve damaged what cannot be replaced .. you’ve left a hole for the world to see .. you’ve given me many songs that will one day be written and sung to the world .. for that alone .. I, thank you.

i wanna love you ...

i wanna love you in the morning with smiley face pancakes .. i wanna touch your senses with every ounce of who i am .. i wanna bring joy to your day .. and life to your soul .. i wanna feel you deep inside me over and over again .. i wanna love you like you've never been loved before .. i wanna take away your pain .. i wanna create new memories so you can let go of the ones that tie you down and rip you apart. I wanna be your sunlight .. i wanna be your moon. But you have no space for me inside your wounded heart.

ALONE

I don't want to feel. I don't want to breathe. I just want to let go and fall into your eternity. Wherever that may be. But you're gone. Maybe you'll never return to me. Maybe you were never really mine. I allowed myself to let you in. A silly mistake I hear in the depths of my despair. This ache is too cold. I don't want to feel. I don't want to breathe. I'd like to call you and tell you I miss you. But these cracks can't be filled. So here I am .. once again. ALONE.

my reality

I am continuously falling for men I should steer clear of. What's wrong with me? Why must I punish myself this way? I long for something I can not seem to find. My search is over. I'm letting go. I no longer wish to play this game of which I am the only player. I can't stop this vision within. It's so sure I'll find what I seek. But why? I hate that I'm filled with such a strong conviction .. would it not be easier to turn this heart to stone? There is NO PROOF such a love exists. It only dwells deep within my foolish heart. I long for you my love .. in the inner chambers of my heart. But you deny me over and over again. Where could you be? Why won't you rescue me from this yearning? Why must I suffer all alone? Will I bare this life in solace forever? Dear God .. have you forgotten this heart bleeds like any other? Another tear .. another forced smile .. another night to dream it all again. I lie awake .. don't let this be my reality.