whole

you spill into me .. drowning my senses .. caressing my desires .. your words too sweet to let go .. i wait for you .. like a lingering distraction .. a constant calling from within .. like a vision to vivid to forget .. you taunt me .. both day & night .. i can't escape your powerful attraction .. i run but still you catch me .. my feet unable to grip the surface .. i'm frozen in the wake of your presence .. unable to speak .. angelic and meek .. i stand before you broken as you pick up each little piece .. how can you love me .. thru all my childish displays .. you polish what's been tarnished .. you carve your masterpiece .. i'm falling for you jesus .. like the lover of my soul .. take my broken pieces .. once again make me ...... whole

good-bye

The air is cool as I sit in stillness
The breeze reminds me of home
A long way from where I lay my head each night
But it wasn't always this way,  I wasn't always so far from you
Life wasn't always in shades of grey
I used to feel each movement of light
I used to watch for you
I forgot how to do that, as the years passed by
Maybe these trials were too much to bare
Maybe i doubted you loved me enough to lighten this load
Maybe i wasn't really looking for the answers i needed
Maybe i wanted what was never mine in the first place
If i never see you again
I'll leave the porch light on as a symbol of my love for you
So you will know if you ever pass by my door,  i'm still thinking of you
I love you enough to let you go
This is my good-bye to you

Some days ...

Empty

Even an animal like yourself can make me feel like a monster.
I hate that I let you in .. desperate to be loved.
I allowed myself to believe you. Though you were clearly as fucked up as I am.
I could probably have still loved you .. but you were unable to come clean.
I'm nothing more then a tragedy that continues to breathe. A death waiting to happen.
Each year, I tell myself something will be different .. but nothing ever changes.
I'm still this lost soul. Betrayed by my own heart. For whom can I trust?
I'm fooled at every corner .. by the lies I have believed.
So go ahead .. take your turn .. take advantage of me.
I'm too empty to even bleed.

Another lost soul

I am a liar.
I tell people not to lose hope.
But I've lost my own.
I tell people to never give up.
But I have no fight left in me.
I tell people God can be trusted.
But I doubt him everyday.
I am a liar, lost in my own confusion.
Tormented.
Bleeding.
Dying.
Alone.
I want to let go of this life.
I want to be free.
Where is this freedom?
Why has it evaded me?
I thought my life had purpose.
I thought my life had value.
I thought someone would take notice by now.
"I thought" .. maybe that was the problem?
What should I live for?
What will change?
I've never truly been at peace, this pain has always been aching.
I'm tired sweet Jesus.
Please take me home.
Good day & Good night are the same now.
As darkness descends upon both.
I'm just another lost soul .. searching for a way home.

Who Is She ?

Who is she? This little girl staring back at me? She's always been 6yrs old. What does she want from me? She reminds me of my innocence. She reminds me of the purity that once did exist. She's beautiful this little girl with her crystal blue eyes of love and forgiveness for those who have stolen pieces of her innocence. I'm sorry I didn't protect you. I'm sorry I didn't say no. I'm sorry I walked through this valley .. wondering all alone. I thought I was much tougher back then, I thought I could mend these pieces alone. But all i did was leave you broken. Why do you still love me? After all I've put you thru? How can you still be so innocent. How can you still be so young? Help me to release this pain. Help me to forgive. Help me to let them go and never think on them again. I will not judge my past, leave me to live in freedom. Dear child, welcome me back with your open arms. With the innocence of when we were six and the world was just a beautiful place. Today, I really saw you .. as I looked in the mirror.

i love you.

My Quest

Where do I belong in this world? How can I still be asking this same question? How many continents must I travel before this yearning will be resolved? I've left my mark all over this planet .. from one cage to another. Always seeking the next adventure hoping this will be the answer. But it never is. Am I the only one who can't find a home for this heart? How have my friends found such peace in this everyday existence .. why have I, not? Something is wrong with me .. though you may never acknowledge it .. i will tell you upfront. I have never felt at home in this world. I have never found rest for my soul. I have never experienced total peace. I have never fit in. I have never belonged here. The only question that consistently remains .. how much longer until I'm authorized to leave? When will you take me so I can finally be free.

Scrambled Vision . . .

So hard to pick myself up off this bathroom floor as the walls close in around me. Suddenly, I feel so distant from these dreams I once dreamt, what happened? Maybe I’ve been in this godforsaken city too long? Maybe I’ve lost my focus for being here? Maybe I’m just tired of the struggle, the never ending traffic, the constant pulling in 40 different directions, the lies, the backstabbing, the men who want to fuck me, the latter everyone feels the need to climb to prove their worthiness. Why did you tell me to move to this cesspool of inauthenticity? Yes, I’ve helped many people. And yes, I’ve grown into a beautiful woman over the years but how much longer do you plan to leave me here? I miss South Africa .. I miss the love, the passion, the authenticity I had for life there. Tell me I will feel that spark again, tell me I will burn with passion like that again, tell me all these tears have not been in vain. Tell me you will use every ounce of this journey for good. Tell me these are the final throws? Or tell me nothing at all .. but don’t leave me here on this bathroom floor.

Why Can't I Remember

You lied. You said it would get easier with time. You said eventually I would forget you. But everyday that passes I miss you more & more. Your face trapped in my own reflection. Your eyes engraved in my brain. How do I move forward when everything reminds me of the past. I still make those salads you loved just to remember the smile on your face. I still listen for the door to open, waiting for your footsteps on the floor. I can’t break free from you. I can’t forget you but I can’t remember your details either. Why did I leave? Why did you let me? Where are we heading in different directions. Will our paths ever cross again? Are you happier with her? Does she run the bath for you? Does she write you beautiful love notes and leave them in your pockets? Why did we part? Why can’t I remember? I miss you. I will probably miss you forever.